The House of Netjer, a Kemetic Orthodox Temple

[PUBLIC] Kemetic Orthodoxy General Forums => [PUBLIC] Prayer Requests => Topic started by: Khentesh on April 01, 2018, 06:07:29 pm

Title: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Khentesh on April 01, 2018, 06:07:29 pm
Em Hotep, dear brothers and sisters and non binary siblings of the faith! (Henu)

My name is Khentesh-ib-em-Sekhmet, and I have been a Shemsu of the faith for ten years now.

In the beginning, I was very active, but in late 2010, my world collapsed and I sunk into a deep depression from which I am still recovering.

I managed to fight my way back, and I briefly returned to the forums, happy to be reunited with you all.

But family issues sunk me again, as in 2015 I was disowned by my own parents for contacting my beloved big sister, whom I had not heard from in thirty years, because my biological mother did everything she could to keep us separated.

I will not go into detail, but I can tell you that I decided to cut all ties to my biological parents, and as I went to therapy and spoke to my big brother about my parents behaviour, I fully and finally realized that I was raised by a malignantly narcissistic mother and an enabling father.
This (growing up in such an environment as well as fighting depression and anxiety and having to battle my own mother) has left it's mark on my personality and psyche, and I still am suffering from GAD (General Anxiety Disorder), panic attacks, bouts of depression, anxiety induced back pain and lack of energy.
I also suffer from severe fear of dying, and fear of the notion that there might be no life in the hereafter.

I kept in touch with my big sister, and got to know her mother and her big brother, and they welcomed me into their family with open arms and hearts, without judgement.

I got a new mother and a big brother when I reconnected with my sister, and I was very happy.

But in September last year, I began to fall again, and it began when my dear beloved sixteen year old cat Buddha was euthanised.
He was old, and tired and it was his time to go.
I had known the day would come for thirteen years, because of his diagnosis (kidney failure), but the grief still bled me out.
He died the eighth of September.

Three days later, my sister told me that our mom (not my biological mother) had been rushed to hospital and that the prognosis was very bad.
She died the fourth of October.
I tried to be there for my sister and her brother both when mom got ill and after she died, and my fear of death grew darker.

In January I turned fourty, and I hated it as I also suffer from fear of ageing.

And now, around my husband's fourtieth birthday, the sixteenth of March (his birthday reminded me of ageing once again) my sister's big brother went to hospital for scheduled open heart surgery.
He died in the night between the 23rd and 24th of March.

I was struck down again, but was determined to be there for my sister, who is now alone.
(She had lived with her brother and mother her whole life, 53 years) and she was shattered.

My sister visited us and stayed a few days, and during this time, my fear of death has grown so much that I feel almost paralyzed by it.

I am asking Wesir to help me, and I would like to ask you to please pray for me and my family.

My aim is to try and return from the state of inertia and start living again, not just functioning biologically.

I deeply long for fellowship and spiritual practice and growth, and I am angry with myself for not being able to practice Senut, and for being too drained to be active here.

Something I believe I have learned about myself these past six months is an eye opener, though, and it comforts me.

I am a daughter of
Sekhmet-Hethert, and beloved of Bast-Mut and Wesir.

It's not something I have thought about before, but now I see how this has affected me.
I'm bipolar, and the combination of Gods is a good explanation for my personality.

So I have decided to get an altar statue of Wesir.

I should have gotten such a statue long ago, but I have been hiding from the concept of death and been unable to absorb the notion of dying.

But now I think that, if the God of Death has been involved in creating me, He must love me, right?

And if He does, what have I got to be afraid of?

That's why I have decided to get His statue, so I can see Him and talk to Him, honour Him and ask Him stuff and tell Him what is on my mind, to get to know Him

My sister will help me buy His statue, and I am so happy!

Still, there's this nagging fear of dying, and it's eating away at me, and I can't stand it anymore.

So I am asking for prayers, and also for advice on how to interact with Wesir, and on how to manage my fear of death.

This was a long post, and I apologise.


Many hugs to all of you!

Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Gezausenu on April 01, 2018, 06:17:24 pm
Em hotep, friend, and sibling-in-Sekhmet. <3

What a road you've traveled! :( Many, many prayers for you and yours. May our Mama--Who delights in you!--bless and keep you close, always. May Wesir, abundant and peaceful, bless you and soothe your fears. May all of Netjer bless you and your loved ones.

Senebty,
Gezausenu.
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Khentesh on April 01, 2018, 06:23:31 pm
Em Hotep Gezausenu! (Henu)

Thank you so very much for your prayers and support, it means so much to me!

<3
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Tawa'ubastmut on April 01, 2018, 06:33:14 pm
Many prayers and much love to you. You've gone through a lot.

Bast-Mut is very much about living in the moment with joy in our hearts, and while I too fear death, she keeps me going and strong. I think your lineup is a perfect combo to get you back into living well and with self care.if you ever need to chat, please hit me up.
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Khentesh on April 01, 2018, 06:44:49 pm
Thank you very very much, Tawa'ubastmut!
I would love to chat with you when I am able to.
It feels so good to know that I have such support!

Many hugs!
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Gezausenu on April 01, 2018, 07:30:52 pm
Em hotep, friend. <3

I joined the House while you were away, but even though I've never met you before--I'm very glad you came back. :)

Likewise, if you ever wish to talk about our Mama, I'd love to do so anytime. <3

Senebty,
Gezausenu.
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Senuwierneheh on April 01, 2018, 08:07:27 pm
Welcome back, Khentesh!

Many blessings to you!

Senebty!
Neheh...
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Sedjosrysekhmet on April 02, 2018, 12:10:51 am
Hello Sibling!

 I'm really sorry to hear all that has happened. If you need to talk about your fear of death or even grief and loss, you can message me anytime. <3 I did pray for you tonight and i will continue to do so.

 
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Ra'awyserqet on April 02, 2018, 12:19:50 am
Prayers.

I'm sorry to hear how rough things have been, but I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing with us and that you've wandered home. :)

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Ipema'asenu on April 02, 2018, 03:12:51 am
Em Hotep, Khentesh!

I'm so glad you're back in the community!
You are in my prayers in the sanctuary.
I'm going through a lot of personal problems and I understand you.

What I can say is that you are a daughter of Sekhmet-Hethert! You are strong!
Wesir is a very very wise God and I never tire of finding out more about that Name. He's sure to help you understand Death. In my own experience.
I hope that Netjer and the Names can bless you a lot and welcome!
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Awibemhethert on April 02, 2018, 12:30:58 pm
Prayers. Sending you a PM.

Ibi


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Inqisenu on April 02, 2018, 01:53:19 pm
Prayers for you~ and welcome back! :)
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Sekhepenaset on April 02, 2018, 03:49:09 pm
Em hotep nefer, Khentesh, and welcome back

I am also beloved of Wesir

I can only speak that either doing Senut rite, informal/non-KO devotions, or praying to Wesir will help you begin connecting.

Perhaps identify why you're afraid of death and why it causes you so much fear.  That may help you start.

I'm willing to talk - PM

Senebty,
Sekhep
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Lita45 on April 02, 2018, 05:38:41 pm
Em Hotep, Khentesh,

Many Prayers to you and welcome Back! Thanks for sharing your inspirational story. I have a similar story concerning my blood mother who I have been praying on what to do about it. I was separated from my brother ( blessings to the Ka of Alonzo) from my mom. She did the exact same thing. I never knew someone else had a similar experience. Our story is very similar. Thanks for being honest and reaching out to the committee. Sekhmet doesn't play. She is fierce. If you have her in your corner, all is good. As she is always ready to assist to wrong a right and brings things to justice. She does fight for her children and all who honor her. I pray our monthly Dua to her and Cal on her to assist often. She answers. I will pm you. You can always send me a pm if you like to chat.  Thanks for sharing.

Senebty,
Lita xo
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Lita45 on April 02, 2018, 05:38:52 pm
Em Hotep, Khentesh,

Many Prayers to you and welcome Back! Thanks for sharing your inspirational story. I have a similar story concerning my blood mother who I have been praying on what to do about it. I was separated from my brother ( blessings to the Ka of Alonzo) from my mom. She did the exact same thing. I never knew someone else had a similar experience. Our story is very similar. Thanks for being honest and reaching out to the committee. Sekhmet doesn't play. She is fierce. If you have her in your corner, all is good. As she is always ready to assist to wrong a right and brings things to justice. She does fight for her children and all who honor her. I pray our monthly Dua to her and Cal on her to assist often. She answers. I will pm you. You can always send me a pm if you like to chat.  Thanks for sharing.

Senebty,
Lita xo
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Djedetmiwesir on April 04, 2018, 02:07:08 pm
Em hotep


You have my prayers.  That sure is a lot to go through, I see some of Wesir's endurance already in you. :) 

Senebty!
Djedet
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Sema'a on April 04, 2018, 03:51:12 pm
Em hotep, my sibling in Sekhmet! It's good to see you again. I definitely feel where you are coming from in terms of fear of death. It's been a struggle for me as well, recently. For me, getting to know the gods connected with death has helped tremendously. Nebthet is now one of my Beloveds, and I feel more connected with Yinepu and Wesir. I still struggle with fear, but I am learning to manage it with the help of these gods.

Somewhere on the private forums there is a discussion about fear of death. I've found reading through others' experiences with the same fear to be strangely comforting.
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Khentesh on April 04, 2018, 05:35:20 pm
Em Hotep everyone! (Henu)

I am so overwhelmed with positive emotions by your responses to my post, and I want to thank you so much for your prayers and support.

I'm very fortunate to be a part of this faith, fellowship and community, and I feel strengthened by your words.

I would love to chat or PM, and I will definitely answer as soon as I am able.

I've been partially disconnected from the spiritual for far too long, and I hope that I will have a chance to become more firmly anchored in it.

It is my dream to become a Shemsu Ankh one day, and that dream has been with me since I became a member of the faith.

I do need to find more calm and quiet within me, and a surer footing than I have now, because I feel that becoming a Shemsu Ankh is to take on more responsibility, and I wouldn't want to take that step before I am ready.

I love you all!
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Yinepuemsaes on April 06, 2018, 08:12:37 am
Prayers, and hugs.
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Capra on April 06, 2018, 12:44:45 pm
Best wishes to you!
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Sehedjef on April 06, 2018, 06:03:19 pm
Prayers for you and your sister during this time.  Also glad you are able to reach out on the forums.  ^_^

Senebty,
Sehedjef
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Tatuayinepu on April 07, 2018, 02:07:40 am
I haven't met you before, but am very glad you're here.

I have had similar issues with family of origin, as well as lifelong depression. I know how draining it is, how soul sucking and generally lousy it is. I do not communicate with a fair amount of living relatives (thank Nejter for the Akhu, we have a better beginning relationship) over longstanding differences that couldn't be resolved. It is hard to cut off communication, but in the long run it is far more corrosive to allow it to continue if there is abuse involved.

Good on you for being so very frank with us. That takes a LOT of courage.

Tatua
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: makaroth on April 11, 2018, 02:38:53 pm
I just wanted to add to the support given here and I sincerely wish you all the best.  This is such a wonderful community from what I have seen already and I truly feel that everyone here and your gods (what a line-up to support you when you need to fall back on them!) are here for you.  It's hard to offer words for the kind of pain and trauma you've dealt with but hopefully hand-in-hand we can each give you something you need.

Many blessings <3
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Meresinepu on June 17, 2018, 01:26:53 am
Em hotep Khentesh,

I'm so glad to see that you are back.  This community is a caring loving one and we will give you all the support we can.  I'm keeping you in my prayers and asking that Sekhmet watch over you and keep you safe.

May she heal your anxiety and help you continue to get better on all fronts.  May Netjer watch over you always.  I will keep you on my prayer list until things get better for you.

Meres
Title: Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
Post by: Senui-Iry-I on June 17, 2018, 11:53:54 am
Many prayers for your well being! I don't know you, but I'm glad you are back. The gods are always with us through all times, good and bad.
If you are able and have access to it, therapy can really help with dealing with those fears. A mixture of years of childhood therapy and teachings from Yinepu have helped me learn to not be stifled by a fear of dying.
I pray that your Mother and Beloveds bring you comfort and you find refuge in this community. Take care of yourself and welcome back!