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Author Topic: Cut off from The Names?  (Read 2799 times)

Cut off from The Names?
« on: September 22, 2012, 05:11:58 pm »
I don't know where to post this, so I apologise in advance if this the wrong place.

There's no easy way to say this, so I'll follow a plan that a friend of mine was always very fond of: "bags of smoke, bags of aggression and straight up the middle."

I recently acquired a new straw and snapped my mental camel, as it were. My doc reckons it's PTSD, which is rather irksome to say the least, given my line of work.

I can handle the flashbacks and random crying and stuff, but I can't seem to focus enough to try to talk to The Names anymore. I used to be able to meditate and 'talk' to them, so to speak, but now I feel completely cut off.

Since I went bonkers I've been saying and doing things that are completely out of character and that I would never, ever do were I not bonkers and that I hate myself for saying and doing.

Might they have cut me off as a punishment for these things? Is it stress? Or am I just broken?

Again, I'm sorry for posting this here. Or at all. I'm just...frightened, you know?

Thanks for listening. Sorry to bother you with my unpleasantness.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2012, 05:12:46 pm by Privateer »
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Offline Sedjemes

  • Semer-Wati
  • Shemsu-Ankh
  • Country: us
Re: Cut off from The Names?
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2012, 05:31:55 pm »
Em hotep

First, I am glad that you see your doctor, and I hope you can take as much advantage of professional medical help as you need  whether or not you suspect you are simply stressed or that something more serious may be going on with you. Seeking medical care is never unwise whenever things in life overwhelm us. In Kemetic Orthodoxy we do not believe that prayer is a substitute or replacement for proper medical attention for body or mind. Prayer and attention to the gods can help, complement, and supplement, but taking care of our health means using all avenues available.

Having said that, we do not believe that our gods punish us--certainly not by withdrawing from us. When stresses overwhelm us, when we are deep in grief, or anger or fear, or simply drowning in all the things we have to handle, we may be unable to hear whatever the gods want to tell us, by whatever means they wish to use.

Nobody here can address whether you are stressed or more serious issues are at stake. Based on our experience with our gods, we can I think assure you that They don't turn away. We can drift away, and often do for all sorts of reasons.

Hope that helps.

Senebty
Sedjemes

Khenmetaset ("Aset Gladdens")
Sedjemes ("She listens")
Daughter of Aset-Serqet, Meryt Ra her Sekhmet
Heri-Sesheta Aset-Serqet

Re: Cut off from The Names?
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2012, 05:45:47 pm »
I'm so glad to hear that. Maybe it's just that my mind is a bit jumbled at the moment. I don't even feel able to connect properly with my wife just now and she lives in the same house; beings on another plane of existence are another kettle of fish entirely, I suppose.

I hope I can get this sorted out and back to normal relatively soon, though I suspect my doc is right and that it is PTSD and that could be rather...non-trivial?

I really am sorry for posting my nonsense here...I just really needed to know.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2012, 05:58:32 pm by Privateer »
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Offline Bestekeni

  • Semer-Wati
  • Moderator
  • *****
  • Country: us
Re: Cut off from The Names?
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2012, 09:13:05 pm »
Sometimes when your head is messy, it can be hard to feel the gods. Sometimes, at least in my experience, they give you space to do the work you need to do. It's not a punishment -- think of it like you're underground and can't see the sunlight. You need to dig yourself out and it's helpful to rely on professionals who know about moving earth.
Fedw diviner for Bes
𓃀𓎂𓀭𓏏𓎡𓈖𓁐
Sat Bes her Hekatawy Alexandros (AUS)
Meryt Heru-wer her Amun-Ra her Bast

Offline Demaimuti

  • Shemsu
  • Country: au
Re: Cut off from The Names?
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2012, 01:13:26 am »
I'm glad you're getting help. If the doc is right and it is PTSD, you haven't gone bonkers. It's a response to trauma, nothing more. You certainly shouldn't blame yourself for what is happening. You will need to be patient with yourself and forgive yourself when you behave in ways that you don't particularly like. I know this is easier said than done. (I have depression and anxiety) Your life goes on even as you struggle.

You have a choice here. One option is to deliberately step back from you spiritual practice while you seek treatment. It might save you some frustration. Two would be to try to pray rather than meditate because it takes less concentration.

I agree with the others Netjer never goes away. Even when the Netjeru seem distant.

This too will pass.
sat Bast her Hethert-Mut, meryt Aset-Serqet, Heru-wer, Djehuty.

Artist and writer.
Demai on Deviant Art
Demai on Medium

Re: Cut off from The Names?
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2012, 06:25:00 pm »
Thank you.

I just worry, you know? I worry that I'm a terrible person and that even They wouldn't want me. That if there's an express queue for visits to Ammit, then that's probably where I'm going.

I'll try prayer, maybe? As well as the headshrinker I'm seeing.

Thanks again for your kind words and sorry for bothering you.

EDIT: Oh, if I seem a bit flippant about all this, it's just because I'm always that way with nasty stuff. Comes with the job, I suppose.
« Last Edit: September 23, 2012, 06:27:09 pm by Privateer »
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Offline ubenetsenu

  • W'ab Priest - Lay Clergy
  • Country: us
Re: Cut off from The Names?
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2012, 07:56:24 pm »
Quote from: Privateer
I just worry, you know? I worry that I'm a terrible person and that even They wouldn't want me. That if there's an express queue for visits to Ammit, then that's probably where I'm going.


that's all part of the disease. i have PTSD too, and sometimes it sucks all the enjoyment out of everything. one thing that helps me is, weirdly, the last panel of this comic strip: http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=3519 and, not weirdly at all, so does this post by Shefytbast: http://www.firecat.net/lapis/2011/06/01/good-days/

i'd also suggest talking to your akhu if you feel like you can't reach the gods. some of them have gone through mental health stuff too, even if you don't know which or don't know them by name. (my grandmother is sort of like lucille bluth from arrested development, likes watercolors and cigarettes, and had PTSD before they had a name for it, if you want an in.)
ubenetsenu - "two appear shining"
sat Sekhmet-Mut her Khonsu
meryt Wesir her Serqet-Aset
𓁴𓁳
tarot and heka by request

Re: Cut off from The Names?
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2012, 09:09:40 pm »
Thankyou. I just feel a bit confused and lost at the moment. The brain-camel-snapping was only a couple of months ago, so everytthing's fairly raw just now.

I'm grateful for your suggestions and will try them out.
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Offline Ankhetbast

  • Shemsu-Ankh
  • Country: us
Re: Cut off from The Names?
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2012, 03:03:27 am »
I have PTSD as well.  My experience tells me that this is not a punishment or anything of the sort.  It is the result of trauma.  And it can get better.  My experience also tells me that the Gods are not backing away from me, or putting any distance.  Rather, it is the junk in my mind that acts like cotton in my ears, muffling Their voices.  

Work on healing yourself, and don't give up on the Names.  They haven't given up on you.
~~~~Ankhetbast~~~~

Sat Bast her Hekatawy I (AUS), Meryt Serqet, Yinepu her HetHert

"Be excellent to each other." ~Bill and Ted

 


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