collapse collapse

* Donation Status

100%+   Current donation status as of January 15, 2021 = $2,500 of $2,500 (100%)   Donate!

Plus Projected Rollover of $1,462.56!!!

* User Info

 
 
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

* Who's Online

  • Dot Guests: 28
  • Dot Hidden: 0
  • Dot Users: 2
  • Dot Users Online:

Author Topic: A heavy heart.  (Read 9725 times)

A heavy heart.
« on: August 25, 2014, 06:51:47 pm »
Hello.

I know I'm not really part of the community here at all, but I have question that I really need to ask, so I hope you'll bear with my just for a little while.

What I'm concerned about is the weighing of the heart. Can weight, once added by our actions, be removed if those actions are sincerely regretted?

If not, what is likely to happen after...well, you know?

I have done things that I deeply regret and I will accept what is coming to me, though I won't lie; I'm very frightened. The uncertainty, I think, is making it worse.

I would ask the Names themselves but my PTSD has been very bad these last few months and I've barely been able to feel Them there at all, which is what got me all frightened in the first place.

I feel stupid for asking, but I just need to know so I can have peace on this, if nothing else.

You have my thanks and my apologies, as I suspect this is in completely the wrong place, but I haven't slept in a very long time and am not really sure where anything ought to go any more.

 
« Last Edit: August 25, 2014, 07:13:42 pm by Privateer »
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Offline Rev. Raheri

  • W'ab (priest)
  • Country: us
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2014, 08:47:50 pm »
Hotep Privateer!

When I think of my heart being weighed, I believe it isn't an accumulation of our vices and wrongs, but instead looked at where we are right now. We do not believe in karma or sin. We believe in living in ma'at. I feel that when our hearts are weighed, it is from the place where we are when it happens. For example, if I died today and walked in the Hall of Ma'ati for judgement, I believe ma'at will be weighed by where I am now. If I lived in ma'at today, then I have recreated myself from yesterday. The key is to live in ma'at everyday. Everyday is zep tepi or a new creation. Therefore I look to the present and future, and know that the past is the past.

Senebty,
Son of Wesir-Sokar | Heri-sesheta
Awakening in Amenti | revmatt@kemet.org

"O my Mother Nut, stretch Yourself over me,
that I may be placed among the imperishable stars which are in You, and that I may never die."

Offline Mehetibeminpu

  • Shemsu-Ankh
  • Country: us
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2014, 10:20:55 am »
Hotep Privateer,


A big part of living in ma'at is your intent.  We all do things that are bad.  We all make bad choices from time to time.  But living in ma'at means learning from those mistakes and using that knowledge to help you live a better life.  Mistakes help us learn to live our lives with intent - the intent to do good and to consciously make decisions that are good for us and those around us.  

We also consider each sunrise Zep Tepi.  A new beginning, as Zep Tepi means First Time.  Each day you have the chance to live in ma'at.  And if you slip up, that chance, that new beginning will come again the next day and you can start over again living within ma'at.  Living right/just/good.

Hope this helps, at least giving you something to think about.

And as someone who's got PTSD, too, I actually found that sometimes just sitting quietly and thinking about my Father (or any of the gods), was all the prayer I needed.  You can go to Netjer.  It will comfort you.  Don't worry about praying or anything formal.  Just feel It.  Feel the love and acceptance Netjer has for you.  Give yourself time, and don't blame yourself, just work on doing what is right for you each day.  It will get easier and you will find your heart lighter.


Senebty,
Mehet
Sat  Yinepu/Wepwawet
Meryt Hethert/Sekhmet her Serqet/Aset
Heri-Sesheta Yinepu

Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2014, 03:34:21 pm »
Thank you both for your answers. I feel silly now for not realising that the sunrise would be a new chance.

I'm so glad. I wasn't well when those things happened but I've tried to be of service to others every day since then. I spent some time in the forces then joined the coastguard and work as a part time firefighter. I hope this is enough?
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2014, 04:10:31 pm »
It never hurts to try and make amends to those who you've hurt.  Sometimes you can't, because the other person or people are still hurt themselves, and in need of or in the process of healing.
"Give sorrow a Sailor smile."
~ "Makenai" by Hanazawa Kae; Sailor Moon Stars, Season 5, episode 200

"Beyond this road, running on far and long, must surely be something we can believe in."
~ "Pure Heart" by Rikki; Final Fantasy VII, "Aerith's Theme"

Offline Mehetibeminpu

  • Shemsu-Ankh
  • Country: us
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2014, 09:02:10 pm »
Hotep Privateer,

It is enough if it fills your heart and makes you feel good.  


Senebty,
M
Sat  Yinepu/Wepwawet
Meryt Hethert/Sekhmet her Serqet/Aset
Heri-Sesheta Yinepu

Offline Rev. Raheri

  • W'ab (priest)
  • Country: us
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2014, 09:35:29 pm »
I think living in ma'at follows the Bill & Ted philosophy - be excellent to one another.
Son of Wesir-Sokar | Heri-sesheta
Awakening in Amenti | revmatt@kemet.org

"O my Mother Nut, stretch Yourself over me,
that I may be placed among the imperishable stars which are in You, and that I may never die."

Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2014, 11:31:00 pm »
Thankyou all for your replies. I still worry that maybe some of the things that happened to me, that made me angry and upset enough to hurt other people, have left a little sort of 'seed' if you like, a little bit of evil that might suddenly grow one day and take over.
I don't want it to. I'll fight it with everything I've got, but I don't know how much that is.
I've spent nearly my whole adult life just trying to earn the right to be alive at all and realising that just makes me feel guilty because I should have been doing the good things I've done simply because they were the right thing to do, without thought for myself or trying to earn anything in return.
Does that make sense? Sorry, I'm very tired again and still recovering from a week without food (money ran out), so I'm not sure if I'm very coherent.
Oh, I'm sorry for posting again. I'm just frightened. I have a family to think of and they should be my primary concern, then everyone else, then me. First my mission, then my men, then myself, you know? 'Serve to Lead' and all that. It's just that this is really heavy duty stuff. Like, right to the core of who I am. I mean, I'm scared for my soul. I just want to stop bad things happening to people, but is that enough? I don't trust my own motives, so I don't know.
Do you think They'll be angry at me because I haven't spoken to Them for a few months now? I just can't focus enough, but I really should make the effort and I feel bad.
Sorry, I'm rambling. I probably shouldn't post on a night watch.
Sorry.

Edited because I only just realised how much of a tic the phrase 'you know?' has become.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2014, 11:35:51 pm by Privateer »
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Offline Tatjasobekra

  • Divined Remetj
  • Country: us
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2014, 01:42:57 am »
Em hotep,

I hope you don't mind me offering my own two cents. I pray that your inner battle ends soon and that your troubles will be banished.

As long as you live in ma'at every day (you get another chance to do this with every zep tepi, each sunrise as Rev. Raheri said), the Names will understand. In general, if you're living in ma'at, you're offering ma'at to the Netjeru, and they love ma'at. So no, I don't think they'd be angry with you for not speaking to them (I assume you mean within a Senut context).

But you don't have to do Senut to strengthen your bonds with them and speak with them. You can do this anywhere at any time through prayer, both casually thought and intent-filled.
Sat Sobek-Ra
Meryt Wadjet, Djehuty, Bast her Aset-Serqet

Mudang (korean shaman-priest) ; God Divination, Kut Ceremony, Prayerwork by appointment.
{ themudang.com | ig@themudang }

Offline Ra'awyserqet

  • W'ab (priest)
  • Country: us
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2014, 11:51:12 am »
Em hotep!

Honestly? I've learned that once the Netjeru love you, they don't stop loving you. I've also learned that we tend to punish ourselves more than anything or anyone else.

To go along with your seed metaphor: you have a garden of life, you have total control over what grows in your garden. Like all gardens, you'll get weeds and like all gardens, your growth for tomorrow is dependent on what you do today.

Maybe sometimes you forget to water, and sometimes you can't see the weeds growing up. But whenever you forget that water and see your garden withering when you forget to weed and see what has grown up around your plants and you do something about it, I feel that's when you are fixing those mistakes. No, it won't undo the past or change what is now, so your garden might not be the prettiest, but it's yours. It's purely yours. Whether you grow good things that are useful or beautiful to you and others, or whether you ignore it and grow weeds. What you grow is yours.

That seed won't go anywhere, won't take over your garden as long as you keep an eye on it. It can't grow unless you feed it.

To me, that garden is life. The plants that benefit you in some way are the results of you living in ma'at, and those weeds are the results of you living in isfet. Every day, you have the chance to grow your garden, to add more good plants and care for the ones that are already there. Every day, you have the chance to pull those weeds.

It might be hard at first, but after you get those good gardening habits in place, it's incredibly easy.

I hope that helped/made sense.

Senebty,
Ra'awy
(They/them)

Sa Serqet-Aset her Nisut-bity Hekatawy Alexandros (aus), mery Sekhmet-Mut, Yinepu-Wepwawet, Alexandros, her Hethert-Nut-as-Nehmet-Awai.

Fedw Diviner for Serqet-Aset and Nehmet-Awai

Offline Gleb

  • Remetj
  • Country: 00
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #10 on: September 29, 2014, 02:03:11 pm »
Quote from: Raawyserqet
Em hotep!

Honestly? I've learned that once the Netjeru love you, they don't stop loving you. I've also learned that we tend to punish ourselves more than anything or anyone else.

To go along with your seed metaphor: you have a garden of life, you have total control over what grows in your garden. Like all gardens, you'll get weeds and like all gardens, your growth for tomorrow is dependent on what you do today.

Maybe sometimes you forget to water, and sometimes you can't see the weeds growing up. But whenever you forget that water and see your garden withering when you forget to weed and see what has grown up around your plants and you do something about it, I feel that's when you are fixing those mistakes. No, it won't undo the past or change what is now, so your garden might not be the prettiest, but it's yours. It's purely yours. Whether you grow good things that are useful or beautiful to you and others, or whether you ignore it and grow weeds. What you grow is yours.

That seed won't go anywhere, won't take over your garden as long as you keep an eye on it. It can't grow unless you feed it.

To me, that garden is life. The plants that benefit you in some way are the results of you living in ma'at, and those weeds are the results of you living in isfet. Every day, you have the chance to grow your garden, to add more good plants and care for the ones that are already there. Every day, you have the chance to pull those weeds.

It might be hard at first, but after you get those good gardening habits in place, it's incredibly easy.

I hope that helped/made sense.

Senebty,
Ra'awy

Awesome replies, Raawyserqet! Seconded. :)
Senebty,
Gleb

Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #11 on: September 29, 2014, 02:23:34 pm »
Thanks again for your replies. I'm sorry for posting that kind of thing here, but I sometimes get very panicky and don't really have anyone to talk to about this kind of thing.

Everyone I know assures me they believe there is absolutely no chance of my 'going bad', but my self esteem is pretty much shot to pieces right now and I don't have their faith. I'm worried that there are worse things than weeds in my garden and I'm not really up to fighting giant brain-centipedes at the moment.

One last thing that's been worrying me; lots of bad things happen and all the good stuff seems to fall through. Is this punishment for something, or do They not work like that?
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Offline Tatjasobekra

  • Divined Remetj
  • Country: us
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #12 on: September 29, 2014, 02:45:11 pm »
Em hotep,

I wouldn't say it's the Netjeru punishing you (although some Names can be jerks to others, I know my Father isn't the "nicest" to some people). First of all, have you cleansed and protected yourself and your home? I know you said you weren't in the right place to do Senut, but Senut can also work to help cleanse and protect your ka.

Otherwise, you can cleanse/protect your home and yourself by sprinkling natron around and shaking a bell/sistrum as you do it, saying something like "I banish all entities that bear any negativity or ill well towards my home and me."
Afterwards you could do some simple good luck spells, like burning a green candle while invoking a Netjer who you feel close to. If you don't feel comfortable invoking a Netjer, you could simply chant, "Bring me health, bring me prosperity, bring me happiness." or something over the candle.
Sat Sobek-Ra
Meryt Wadjet, Djehuty, Bast her Aset-Serqet

Mudang (korean shaman-priest) ; God Divination, Kut Ceremony, Prayerwork by appointment.
{ themudang.com | ig@themudang }

Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #13 on: September 29, 2014, 02:53:45 pm »
Thanks. I used to be very good at this kind of thing but lately...well, lately brushing my teeth has been pushing it a bit; maintaining the wards on the house has been completely beyond me.
I'm on another night watch tonight but tomorrow I'll try to get enough sleep to allow me to give the place a going over and maybe try to talk to the Names as best I can.

I'm sorry for unloading on you guys but I'm a real mess just now and, like I say, there's nobody really around here to help with this kind of thing.
'To you a hero is some kind of weird sandwich...'

Offline Ra'awyserqet

  • W'ab (priest)
  • Country: us
Re: A heavy heart.
« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2014, 07:52:34 pm »
Em hotep!

It's okay hun. A lot of us have been there and a lot of us are willing to support even if we don't fully understand.

We're a community (as followers of the Netjeru), and we all should support each other. Unload as you please. :)

On another end, I've never felt punished in a sense of "you did something naughty, now you get a spanking". I feel bad when I feel like Serqet is disappointed. I also feel like sometimes she knows exactly what will frustrate me to death, but that happens to be exactly what I need at that moment. Mom isn't exactly cuddly, but I've learned that sometimes not being cuddly is what you really need from them. Sometimes it's about survival and getting by, sometimes it's about learning how to take out the poison in your life, sometimes it's about learning how to properly weed a garden.

I feel when we are going through hard times, we're tempted to blame a higher power. Many people converted from religions that have a concept of divine punishment, so it's almost ingrained in us that there must be a cosmic force out there swatting us when we are naughty. I honestly don't feel any of them swat us; they might bat at us a bit when we are hurting ourselves and others, but it's out of love.

It sounds like your mind might be kicking out what good there is, in order to focus fully on the bad. Our minds are terrible things at times; they can keep us from seeing what's really there. Maybe sit, just for a bit and stare at something you find beautiful, something that reminds you of the Names. Even just for a few moments.

Senebty,
Ra'awy
(They/them)

Sa Serqet-Aset her Nisut-bity Hekatawy Alexandros (aus), mery Sekhmet-Mut, Yinepu-Wepwawet, Alexandros, her Hethert-Nut-as-Nehmet-Awai.

Fedw Diviner for Serqet-Aset and Nehmet-Awai

 


* Board Stats

  • stats Total Members: 3335
  • stats Total Posts: 300102
  • stats Total Topics: 20626
  • stats Total Categories: 8
  • stats Total Boards: 119
  • stats Most Online: 955