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Author Topic: Fighting the long night of the soul  (Read 1501 times)

Offline Khentesh

  • Shemsu
  • Country: se
Fighting the long night of the soul
« on: April 01, 2018, 06:07:29 pm »
Em Hotep, dear brothers and sisters and non binary siblings of the faith! (Henu)

My name is Khentesh-ib-em-Sekhmet, and I have been a Shemsu of the faith for ten years now.

In the beginning, I was very active, but in late 2010, my world collapsed and I sunk into a deep depression from which I am still recovering.

I managed to fight my way back, and I briefly returned to the forums, happy to be reunited with you all.

But family issues sunk me again, as in 2015 I was disowned by my own parents for contacting my beloved big sister, whom I had not heard from in thirty years, because my biological mother did everything she could to keep us separated.

I will not go into detail, but I can tell you that I decided to cut all ties to my biological parents, and as I went to therapy and spoke to my big brother about my parents behaviour, I fully and finally realized that I was raised by a malignantly narcissistic mother and an enabling father.
This (growing up in such an environment as well as fighting depression and anxiety and having to battle my own mother) has left it's mark on my personality and psyche, and I still am suffering from GAD (General Anxiety Disorder), panic attacks, bouts of depression, anxiety induced back pain and lack of energy.
I also suffer from severe fear of dying, and fear of the notion that there might be no life in the hereafter.

I kept in touch with my big sister, and got to know her mother and her big brother, and they welcomed me into their family with open arms and hearts, without judgement.

I got a new mother and a big brother when I reconnected with my sister, and I was very happy.

But in September last year, I began to fall again, and it began when my dear beloved sixteen year old cat Buddha was euthanised.
He was old, and tired and it was his time to go.
I had known the day would come for thirteen years, because of his diagnosis (kidney failure), but the grief still bled me out.
He died the eighth of September.

Three days later, my sister told me that our mom (not my biological mother) had been rushed to hospital and that the prognosis was very bad.
She died the fourth of October.
I tried to be there for my sister and her brother both when mom got ill and after she died, and my fear of death grew darker.

In January I turned fourty, and I hated it as I also suffer from fear of ageing.

And now, around my husband's fourtieth birthday, the sixteenth of March (his birthday reminded me of ageing once again) my sister's big brother went to hospital for scheduled open heart surgery.
He died in the night between the 23rd and 24th of March.

I was struck down again, but was determined to be there for my sister, who is now alone.
(She had lived with her brother and mother her whole life, 53 years) and she was shattered.

My sister visited us and stayed a few days, and during this time, my fear of death has grown so much that I feel almost paralyzed by it.

I am asking Wesir to help me, and I would like to ask you to please pray for me and my family.

My aim is to try and return from the state of inertia and start living again, not just functioning biologically.

I deeply long for fellowship and spiritual practice and growth, and I am angry with myself for not being able to practice Senut, and for being too drained to be active here.

Something I believe I have learned about myself these past six months is an eye opener, though, and it comforts me.

I am a daughter of
Sekhmet-Hethert, and beloved of Bast-Mut and Wesir.

It's not something I have thought about before, but now I see how this has affected me.
I'm bipolar, and the combination of Gods is a good explanation for my personality.

So I have decided to get an altar statue of Wesir.

I should have gotten such a statue long ago, but I have been hiding from the concept of death and been unable to absorb the notion of dying.

But now I think that, if the God of Death has been involved in creating me, He must love me, right?

And if He does, what have I got to be afraid of?

That's why I have decided to get His statue, so I can see Him and talk to Him, honour Him and ask Him stuff and tell Him what is on my mind, to get to know Him

My sister will help me buy His statue, and I am so happy!

Still, there's this nagging fear of dying, and it's eating away at me, and I can't stand it anymore.

So I am asking for prayers, and also for advice on how to interact with Wesir, and on how to manage my fear of death.

This was a long post, and I apologise.


Many hugs to all of you!

« Last Edit: April 01, 2018, 06:13:52 pm by Khentesh »
Senebty

// Khentesh-ib-em-Sekhmet
(Sekhmet is Delighted)

Sat Sekhmet-Hethert
Meryt Bast-Mut her Wesir

Offline Gezausenu

  • New Member Bak
  • Shemsu-Ankh
  • Country: us
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2018, 06:17:24 pm »
Em hotep, friend, and sibling-in-Sekhmet. <3

What a road you've traveled! :( Many, many prayers for you and yours. May our Mama--Who delights in you!--bless and keep you close, always. May Wesir, abundant and peaceful, bless you and soothe your fears. May all of Netjer bless you and your loved ones.

Senebty,
Gezausenu.
~Favored of Two~ (Please don't call me Gezau. <3)
child of Set and Sekhmet
beloved of Ptah, Djehuty, and Heru-Wer
( they / them / theirs / themself )
Devotional work for Papa and Mama.

Offline Khentesh

  • Shemsu
  • Country: se
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2018, 06:23:31 pm »
Em Hotep Gezausenu! (Henu)

Thank you so very much for your prayers and support, it means so much to me!

<3
Senebty

// Khentesh-ib-em-Sekhmet
(Sekhmet is Delighted)

Sat Sekhmet-Hethert
Meryt Bast-Mut her Wesir

Offline Tawa'ubastmut

  • Shemsu-Ankh
  • Country: us
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2018, 06:33:14 pm »
Many prayers and much love to you. You've gone through a lot.

Bast-Mut is very much about living in the moment with joy in our hearts, and while I too fear death, she keeps me going and strong. I think your lineup is a perfect combo to get you back into living well and with self care.if you ever need to chat, please hit me up.
Bast-Mut's Soldier
Sat Bast-Mut her Hekatawy-Alexandros (AUS)
Meryt Mafdet, Heru-sa-Aset, her Djehuty
☥ Sau Apprentice ║ Fedw ║ Fundraising PR ☥
www.ChildofBast.com

Offline Khentesh

  • Shemsu
  • Country: se
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2018, 06:44:49 pm »
Thank you very very much, Tawa'ubastmut!
I would love to chat with you when I am able to.
It feels so good to know that I have such support!

Many hugs!
Senebty

// Khentesh-ib-em-Sekhmet
(Sekhmet is Delighted)

Sat Sekhmet-Hethert
Meryt Bast-Mut her Wesir

Offline Gezausenu

  • New Member Bak
  • Shemsu-Ankh
  • Country: us
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2018, 07:30:52 pm »
Em hotep, friend. <3

I joined the House while you were away, but even though I've never met you before--I'm very glad you came back. :)

Likewise, if you ever wish to talk about our Mama, I'd love to do so anytime. <3

Senebty,
Gezausenu.
~Favored of Two~ (Please don't call me Gezau. <3)
child of Set and Sekhmet
beloved of Ptah, Djehuty, and Heru-Wer
( they / them / theirs / themself )
Devotional work for Papa and Mama.

Offline Senuwierneheh

  • Shemsu-Ankh
  • Country: us
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2018, 08:07:27 pm »
Welcome back, Khentesh!

Many blessings to you!

Senebty!
Neheh...
Senuwierneheh (My Two, forever)
Sat Hethert-Sekhmet her Set, meryt Ptah-Sokar-Wesir, Djehuty, her Heru-Wer
Self-care Hethert, Set and Ptah Advocate
𓁥 𓁣 𓁰

Offline Sedjosrysekhmet

  • Shemsu
  • Country: us
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2018, 12:10:51 am »
Hello Sibling!

 I'm really sorry to hear all that has happened. If you need to talk about your fear of death or even grief and loss, you can message me anytime. <3 I did pray for you tonight and i will continue to do so.

 
Sat Sekhmet-HethertMeryt Wepwawet-Yinepu her Djehuty her Bast-Mut

With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech sensored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably." Jean-Luc Picard

Offline Ra'awyserqet

  • W'ab Priest - Lay Clergy
  • Country: us
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2018, 12:19:50 am »
Prayers.

I'm sorry to hear how rough things have been, but I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing with us and that you've wandered home. :)

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

(They/them)

Sat Serqet-Aset her Nisut-bity Hekatawy | (aus), meryt Sekhmet-Mut, Yinepu-Wepwawet, Heru-wer, her Hethert-Nut-as-Nehmet-Awai.

Fedw Diviner

Offline Ipema'asenu

  • Shemsu
  • Country: br
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2018, 03:12:51 am »
Em Hotep, Khentesh!

I'm so glad you're back in the community!
You are in my prayers in the sanctuary.
I'm going through a lot of personal problems and I understand you.

What I can say is that you are a daughter of Sekhmet-Hethert! You are strong!
Wesir is a very very wise God and I never tire of finding out more about that Name. He's sure to help you understand Death. In my own experience.
I hope that Netjer and the Names can bless you a lot and welcome!
Ipema'asenu - Claimed from the arms of two
https://ipemaasenu.wordpress.com
Sa Yinepu-Wepwawet her Bast, Meryt Sekhmet-Hethert her Rá
🌻🐱🐺

Offline Awibemhethert

  • W'ab Priest (Lay Clergy) - Web Assistant
  • Administrator
  • *****
  • Country: us
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2018, 12:30:58 pm »
Prayers. Sending you a PM.

Ibi


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Rev Awibemhethert
Sat Hethert-Sekhmet
meryt Wesir

Self-Care Hethert Keeper

Offline Inqisenu

  • Shemsu
  • Country: ca
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2018, 01:53:19 pm »
Prayers for you~ and welcome back! :)
ᐃᘛ Inqisenu ᘚᐃ
Child of Hethert-Iusaas & Heru-sa-Aset, Beloved of Set

◈ Sau Apprentice ◈

Offline Sekhepenaset

  • Shemsu
  • Country: us
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2018, 03:49:09 pm »
Em hotep nefer, Khentesh, and welcome back

I am also beloved of Wesir

I can only speak that either doing Senut rite, informal/non-KO devotions, or praying to Wesir will help you begin connecting.

Perhaps identify why you're afraid of death and why it causes you so much fear.  That may help you start.

I'm willing to talk - PM

Senebty,
Sekhep
Senebty -
Sekhep

Sa Aset-Serqet
Mery Wesir her Bast

Offline Lita45

  • Remetj
  • Country: eg
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2018, 05:38:41 pm »
Em Hotep, Khentesh,

Many Prayers to you and welcome Back! Thanks for sharing your inspirational story. I have a similar story concerning my blood mother who I have been praying on what to do about it. I was separated from my brother ( blessings to the Ka of Alonzo) from my mom. She did the exact same thing. I never knew someone else had a similar experience. Our story is very similar. Thanks for being honest and reaching out to the committee. Sekhmet doesn't play. She is fierce. If you have her in your corner, all is good. As she is always ready to assist to wrong a right and brings things to justice. She does fight for her children and all who honor her. I pray our monthly Dua to her and Cal on her to assist often. She answers. I will pm you. You can always send me a pm if you like to chat.  Thanks for sharing.

Senebty,
Lita xo

Offline Lita45

  • Remetj
  • Country: eg
Re: Fighting the long night of the soul
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2018, 05:38:52 pm »
Em Hotep, Khentesh,

Many Prayers to you and welcome Back! Thanks for sharing your inspirational story. I have a similar story concerning my blood mother who I have been praying on what to do about it. I was separated from my brother ( blessings to the Ka of Alonzo) from my mom. She did the exact same thing. I never knew someone else had a similar experience. Our story is very similar. Thanks for being honest and reaching out to the committee. Sekhmet doesn't play. She is fierce. If you have her in your corner, all is good. As she is always ready to assist to wrong a right and brings things to justice. She does fight for her children and all who honor her. I pray our monthly Dua to her and Cal on her to assist often. She answers. I will pm you. You can always send me a pm if you like to chat.  Thanks for sharing.

Senebty,
Lita xo

 


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